Changing faces

It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and a truly beautiful person will be beautiful no matter what they wear or how much make up they wear. I have never been a war paint fan mainly because I have no idea what looks good or suits me. However at the grand age of almost 27 I decided that it was time to shake off my 12 year old look and start behaving like the adult I am.

I duly trekked to the Clinique counter, explained my dilemma to the very nice looking woman in her pseudo-clinical lab coat (that bit always makes me feel safer...despite it not being the slightest bit clinical) and then listened. And nodded. And agreed with her. And as I was doing that I started to feel uplifted in a way that has surely got to be innate...instilled into most female children at birth. I started to feel...beautiful. But at the same time there was a bit of me that was laughing at myself. It was as if my inner me was shaking her head and marvelling that I was listening to the sales pitch and above all was being taken in by it.

Fast forward 20 minutes and I am the proud owner of a 3 step skin care program, a new lipstick, mascara, face powder, eye shadow and a tester pot of a tinted moisturiser...and as an added bonus, 6 little tester things, moisturiser, cleanser, lip gloss, bronzer, mascara and toner. Free gifts (although not really free seeing as I bought the regular sized products anyway) are possibly the best way to make sure I go back for more...and I am not afraid to admit that I will go back.

One question though still remains - have I bought into a marketing ploy? Have I allowed my insecurities about my appearance to be taken advantage of by cosmetics producers? And if I have...is that really so wrong? Can I be proud of my unmade up face at the weekend while having a made up face in the week? The answer is yes. I am the same person as I was before. It would seem that being two faced is not always a bad thing!

Let's go round again...

"Maybe we'll turn back the hands of time"-no I've not turned into a Take That fan...just reflecting the fragility of the human condition and that of its mental health.

When I thought my own mental health was fine, when I thought that my own depression was well and truly "cured" it bites me in the ass once again. It has taken a panic attack and a rather desperate trip to the doctors but at least I realised before I got as bad as I did a few years ago...no counting out how many pills it would take or standing at the top of the stairs trying to work out if it would work for me this time around.

And of course there is the counsellor to see too...what fun that will be. But it will be useful. If for no other reason to have someone impartial to listen to me and let me say what I cannot vocalise to anyone other than the empty toilet roll tube (they are great listeners - very undemanding).

So...2 weeks of being signed off from work. What to do with myself.

Answers on a postcard please...

Karibu Rafiki (Hello Friend)

It surprises me that I haven't written anything since March as I was "supposed" to be writing at least once a week and various friends have shamed me and inspired to take up my blog once more, update and carry on with my initial plan of regular writing sessions. We'll see how this goes!

My trip to Kenya came around very quickly and was accompanied with a fair few nerves and a a brilliant new diagnosis (but that needs a section to itself) and rather a huge change in my life...for the better. Kenya was incredible, words cannot really describe how brilliant my trip was so a few pictures might have to help me out. Stepping off a plane and within 2 hours seeing orphaned elephants and giraffes was jaw dropping...poaching is alive and well in Kenya apparently and calves are being brought to the Daphne Sheldrake Sanctuary just outside Karen, Nairobi after their mothers are either killed for the ivory or they are found down wells, unable to get back out again. The little guy above was only a month old and was dependent on the men working as surrogate mothers. Such a sad reality for such a beautiful and intelligent animal.

We took a bus from Nairobi to Mombassa...an 8 hour bone shattering, stomach churning, fear inducing ride on a bus that possibly should not have been on the road. Lurching over holes on the side of the road on the highway in pitch blackness, not knowing which direction we were going was not what I had imagined when I was planning my trip but with each lurch and bump my resolve to have an "adventure" strengthened and by the time we stopped for a break in Voi I was well on my way - also managed to have a crash course in Public Health i.e. never use public restrooms on the highway...just don't drink any water/juice/soda etc and you will never need to find out about public toilets Kenya style!

Mombasa could not have arrived any quicker and our reward for the spine battering was the Mombasa Club - a old colonial building now used by ex-pats in Mombasa for dining, swimming in the salt water pool fed by the Indian Ocean crashing into it and general socialising. For us, it was a haven; clean bathroom, space to change, and a huge verandah to crash out on, have a smoke and watch the sun rise over Fort Jesus and the vast Indian Ocean. We tried to take pictures but we were not really allowed - something to do with the flash...but this is what we managed...sunrise over the Indian Ocean.

Getting to Diani took another couple of modes of transport (tuk tuk, river ferry and 2 matatus) to get to Stilts EcoLodge where we were staying for the week - a beautiful place with bandas amongst the trees, camping spots for the braver travellers amongst us and above all a great chill out space for us after a hard day at the beach. Add in some lovely people and you have the makings of the best week of your life and some friends that you will keep for life...hopefully.

Our banda was right by vervet, sykes and colobus monkeys, grey tree squirrels, giant land snails, green tree snakes bushbabies and lots and lots of mosquitos...and the beach was just across the road with the entire of that wonderful Indian Ocean just waiting to be dipped into! But for now I will leave you with the image that is embedded in my memory of the deeply delicious blue...enjoy!

Time and tide waits for no man...or woman.

For starters there are the phones. Yes, I know they are pretty much an everyday thing now and we use them without thinking but if you stop to think how incredible an invention they are...well you'll probably become me and will therefore fall over....but, phones. Yes they are amazing. Take, for example my friend Kate. She is currently in New Zealand, taking a year out from life in England and I am hoping she is enjoying herself. She called me this morning, as she does most weekends from her mobile. Now ordinarily this would be horrendously expensive and so we would not be able to do it (because as much as I love her, I am in no way calling NZ from my landline!) but no. She has a funky little calling card that lets her call landlines from a mobile no less for up to an hour (I think) for a few dollars. I am very impressed with this. And what is more, I managed to hit the cut off button on my phone but the connection remained. Now are you impressed? No? Well maybe I am just easily impressed and amused. No comment needed thank you.

The end of March is literally just over the weekend, the clocks are going forward much to the delight of many, the cat included and that means a birthday is approaching. Mine to be more precise. I don't feel almost 26, I don't even feel 25 and I have been for a whole 260 days i.e. since my last birthday and lots has changed since then...way to much to put in here...but it might fit into a list:-

• I moved to Leeds
• I found a good (if not slightly repetetive job)
• I KEPT this job
• Moved out of the shared house
  
• My girlfriend Caroline and her kooky but loveable cat moved in with me
• I have made new friends
• The aforementioned Kate was waved off amid many tears to NZ
• Both my parents have changed jobs
• I am renting my first house on my own (still a bit baffled that I am old enough to do this)
• I applied to university and have been accepted - even more baffled!
• Still falling over - nothing new there really

So far, not a bad haul really! What is odd is that what my elders said is coming true. Policemen and doctors are starting to look younger than me and time is going past quicker than it seemed to. Ageing - great isn't it? I can no longer drink the way I used to and an late night takes a week to get over. The highlight of the weekend is when the kitchen is clean and the washing is hanging. Maybe this is middleage hitting me early?

I have plans too. I am going to see a friend who I have been speaking to for nearly 3 years who lives in Kenya. I am having a "proper" holiday and frankly my dear, I cannot wait to get there. Each month I am tempted to have a little celebration to mark its ever closer date but I am hoping that it doesn't fly by too quickly and I get to do what I want to do. I know Abbey has major plans for me while I am there - pictures will follow courtesy of my mother's borrowed camera.

Yes, time is indeed flying by...I wonder if I am keeping up with it though?

New Year, new journey

Happy New Year!

The year ended the way I wanted to...quietly, without celebration and with the one I love - albeit without the cat!

After 25 years of doing what others wanted I had a night that I planned to be normal and not full of hype. And so by 11pm we were asleep, only barely aware of the fireworks going off like the the next Battle of Britain. What was interesting was that we both wondered in this current financial climate, how much money was being sent up in smoke and sparks. How much could have been spent on the essentials, bread, milk, children's clothes for school?

But the best part was Ms Other Journey and her beloved feline moving in with me...on the condition that we start running (and not just for the bus either) so we get fit together. Small price to pay though!

In an additional bid to get out and meet people I joined Gay Abandon and at the same time signed up for Salsa dancing classes so it really is a new me! So combined with singing, dancing, my application to return to University and arranging a trip to see my friend in Kenya, it looks like it is shaping up to be an interesting year.

Bring it on!

Changing times

The seasons have shifted, almost imperceptibly from whatever summer we had to autumn. It happened almost overnight; the leaves have turned, people are wearing more clothes and the days are yielding less sunlight. More worryingly though, are the Christmas lights that now cling to the lamp posts and are strung across the streets - gaudy, garish and brash. Not to mention that it is still 3 months until Christmas is even supposed to happen. Every year it happens and every year people (myself included) have a gripe about it.

Although as children the majority of us revelled in Christmas, the build up, the anticipation and the count down using advent calendars, either chocolate or picture versions as adults we have come to dread it. As we grew up the anticipation left us and we developed a cynicism borne of our elders. Christmas was a time of dread, of relatives descending from all the four corners of the compass, eating too much, getting presents that we are unsure are suitable and trying to please everyone except ourselves.

This year I have decided not to celebrate it - at least not in the proper way. I am having Christmas with one person apart from myself and I will go home at New Year. Time for me - no more dread.

But as most things change so do I. I have gone from being a carefree child, loving Christmas to a child who realised that Father Christmas was not real (a real changing point in my life) to a parent enjoying the excitement a child gets from the mystery back to being an adult not wanting the event to even happen.

But change...that is unstoppable. Roll on Spring.

Love is a danger in many ways

The meaning of love is one that is troubling me. To love something is simple, instinctive, intuitive and happens without realisation. For instance, I know without a doubt I love raspberries, a good gallop with a great horse, a conversation with my younger brothers. I also know that I do not love boxing, violence or being woken up suddenly. These however are easy things to love or, indeed, not love.

The issue of loving a person is something completely different. It is frightening in its intensity, the speed it takes hold and keeps you in its grasp. It makes you act in ways you never thought possible and by doing so you change part of your personality that will never revert to its previous form. Loving a person is exhausting, challenging, terrifying, consuming and possibly the most selfless thing you can ever do...even if that other person fails to recognise that you love them. It should be given but not expected in return. If it is returned then it is a bonus - love is not a two way street.

Looking back on those I have loved and kept, loved and let go and loved and lost there is one theme that is recurrent: that it has shaped the person I have become today. Maybe it is time to let go of the past and look to the future. Some things I will never be able to change, others are mine and mine alone to change for the better.

There is one person however that I shall never stop loving and it should be the basis for everyone to start relationships and friendships from - that is myself. Love yourself for who and what you are. Love your good points as well as your flaws, love your skills and develop those you wish to make stronger. How can we expect anyone to love us when we do not allow ourselves to love? Whilst narcissism is an altogether excessive form of self-love its basis should not be ignored. We are unique, each and every one of us and we deserve the best. Make your life something you are happy with and if not, make steps to change it.

To those I have loved, and those I love now, thank you for letting me love you.