Changing times

The seasons have shifted, almost imperceptibly from whatever summer we had to autumn. It happened almost overnight; the leaves have turned, people are wearing more clothes and the days are yielding less sunlight. More worryingly though, are the Christmas lights that now cling to the lamp posts and are strung across the streets - gaudy, garish and brash. Not to mention that it is still 3 months until Christmas is even supposed to happen. Every year it happens and every year people (myself included) have a gripe about it.

Although as children the majority of us revelled in Christmas, the build up, the anticipation and the count down using advent calendars, either chocolate or picture versions as adults we have come to dread it. As we grew up the anticipation left us and we developed a cynicism borne of our elders. Christmas was a time of dread, of relatives descending from all the four corners of the compass, eating too much, getting presents that we are unsure are suitable and trying to please everyone except ourselves.

This year I have decided not to celebrate it - at least not in the proper way. I am having Christmas with one person apart from myself and I will go home at New Year. Time for me - no more dread.

But as most things change so do I. I have gone from being a carefree child, loving Christmas to a child who realised that Father Christmas was not real (a real changing point in my life) to a parent enjoying the excitement a child gets from the mystery back to being an adult not wanting the event to even happen.

But change...that is unstoppable. Roll on Spring.

Love is a danger in many ways

The meaning of love is one that is troubling me. To love something is simple, instinctive, intuitive and happens without realisation. For instance, I know without a doubt I love raspberries, a good gallop with a great horse, a conversation with my younger brothers. I also know that I do not love boxing, violence or being woken up suddenly. These however are easy things to love or, indeed, not love.

The issue of loving a person is something completely different. It is frightening in its intensity, the speed it takes hold and keeps you in its grasp. It makes you act in ways you never thought possible and by doing so you change part of your personality that will never revert to its previous form. Loving a person is exhausting, challenging, terrifying, consuming and possibly the most selfless thing you can ever do...even if that other person fails to recognise that you love them. It should be given but not expected in return. If it is returned then it is a bonus - love is not a two way street.

Looking back on those I have loved and kept, loved and let go and loved and lost there is one theme that is recurrent: that it has shaped the person I have become today. Maybe it is time to let go of the past and look to the future. Some things I will never be able to change, others are mine and mine alone to change for the better.

There is one person however that I shall never stop loving and it should be the basis for everyone to start relationships and friendships from - that is myself. Love yourself for who and what you are. Love your good points as well as your flaws, love your skills and develop those you wish to make stronger. How can we expect anyone to love us when we do not allow ourselves to love? Whilst narcissism is an altogether excessive form of self-love its basis should not be ignored. We are unique, each and every one of us and we deserve the best. Make your life something you are happy with and if not, make steps to change it.

To those I have loved, and those I love now, thank you for letting me love you.

The time is now.

It is far too late but unless I seize the moment that I have been savouring all day and possibly most of the month I will never get this started.

I will from now on not bottle up what is in my head and my heart - too long I have done this and it has only granted me heart ache and a sore head.

I really need to thank Charlie for her blog that has inspired me so much to get up and DO SOMETHING - I wonder if she knows how much she inspires me and I would imagine a fair few other people too. I shall tell her when I see her. Or possibly before.

I should be asleep and resting for the next two days will be hectic and rather packed, work, volunteering training, going to York , a work event in Malton and then the week begins again. It all seems to be slipping away from me, sliding out of reach just as I manage to grasp the edge again; a never ending loop of events, people, conversations, food, sleep.

I wish for tonight that I have a dreamless sleep. One that is peaceful and calm so I can rest without being more active than when I am awake. I wish for a brain freeze that allows me a brief hiatus. I wish...to be free.